professionalprocrastinators.com

So, I grew up as a kinda geeky kid. My sport of choice (like most of my fellow geeks) was soccer. I don’t know why it attracted so many of us geeks. I know its a demanding sport and 300 trillion fans worldwide can’t be wrong about it’s macho prowess, but i’m American. Unfortunately this causes me to look down on European sports as kinda girly for no good reason. Sorry European sports. I guess its a cultural thing. Now i do realize that i am getting pretty off topic here, but bear with me. I swear my stream of conscientiousness is going somewhere… maybe. SO, back to me being a soccer kid. Being a group of kids that were geeky and too smart for their own good, a rumor quickly got passed around that every time we did that hitting the ball with your head thing, we lost a few brain cells. Geeks are very concerned about becoming stupid, so most of us made it a priority to learn the chest bumping thing instead. The group of true soccer jocks on the team ignored it, but i’m willing to bet i’m smarter than them today because i was cautious about headbutting a ball coming at me at mach 2. Hopefully i’m smarter than them. It doesn’t seem to have helped my ability to stay on topic, because this is a Wolverine Review.

What i mean to say it that the Wolverine movie will cause you to loose brain cells. I know this sounds harsh, but you would be much better off learning to do any number of things that cause items to collide with your head, than to waste your life watching this movie. Wolverine fans around the world are most likely calling for my head to be removed with the signature trifecta of blades, but i don’t care. I am writing this out of concern for all of you. If i can just help a handful of you to not watch this movie, then i will have improved the world a great deal. …I believe. Well lets get to the reasons.

1- Special Effects.

I have read plenty of comics and watched plenty of cartoons with Wolverine in them. And i know that one of the big draws to them is seeing what sorts of badassity he will come up with when using his claws. Seeing all of the over the top crazy stuff he can do is no big deal when you are staring at a piece of artwork. When a character like Wolverine steps into the real world its a whole new set of rules. You have to make it believable. Movies like Iron Man, and X-2 were really good at finding the right balance between over the top cool, and subdued reality. This movie doesn’t bother with that line. It tries to replicate all sorts of stuff from the source material, without any concern for how stupid it looks in reality. You can spend all the money in the world CGing something, but it won’t cover up stupid. Problem is this movie didn’t even spend all the money in the world on special effects. They almost all looked lame and rushed.

2- The Dialogue

I don’t know enough about writing or acting to know exactly where the fault for this should go. I just know that almost every line came of as insincere or lame. Even the classic arms spread, sky shot of Wolverine going AAAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!! was lame. And for a Wolverine fan, that is a true crime. I don’t know how many times i saw characters staring emotionlessly into space while thoughtlessly regurgitating lines. After a while i couldn’t help but giggle to myself every time someone said something. It was that ludicrous. There was nothing clever or sincere in the entire movie.

3- The harm done to the characters

This is the last one i am gonna rant about, and for the true comic fan this should be the biggie bub. I couldn’t resist putting bub in… Anyway, i’ll start with good ol Wolvie. So much signature stuff was screwed up but i have to start with retorts. Wolverine goes through the movie and only pulls off one decent badass retort. How could the film maker’s let this happen? That should be enough to convince any fan that the movie is crappy, but i’ll continue. Stryker was lame. What sorta made X2 for me was a real good badguy, and Brian Cox hit it outa the ballpark with his Stryker. I know they needed a younger actor, but this Stryker was so lameified that it taints the entire character. Sabertooth… Honestly i had very little problem with Sabertooth, but every time he ran animal style he looked like he was floating over the ground. It sorta imasculated an otherwise badass character. And to finish it off i’ll just say Deadpool was lame. I am real tempted to ruin some big things about the movie, but i will respect it that much. All i can say is that if you were really looking forward to seing how well Ryan Rynolds would do as the crazy killer, you will be disappointed. Very very disappointed.

So that wraps up my review. I know it has been a long wild ride, but i truly felt everything needed to be said to fully explain my position on this movie. Figure out how to loose brain cells some other way. Just avoid this movie. I don’t care if you are the biggest Wolverine fan in the world. This film will only hurt you.

I give this movie a 32% positive review.